Buddhist Humor
By
Yogi Yasha
Dedicated to
Shannon and Sean and Tammy
Note from the Publisher
On behalf of the Buddhist Sangha Youth of Thailand, I would like to express my appreciation to Upasaka Yasha for his devoted effort to produce this book on Buddhist Humor. I also thank Dr. John Solt for his introduction, editing and proofreading of the manuscript.
Although some people may criticize the accent here on humor as a viable method of sharing the Buddha’s teaching, I imagine they would still like to be treated with humor rather than only utter seriousness, at least regarding the world of suffering (Dukkha).
We need humor to heal suffering in its various forms - for example, tension, stress, and mental problems. People with ailments arising in various parts of their bodies require specific therapies in medication to achieve well being. In a similar way, people with different temperaments, attitudes, values, and ways of thinking require different approaches to the Dharma to liberate themselves from the inevitable clutches of Dukkha.
Humor, therefore, can be a means to answer spiritual questions. Upasaka Yasha wrote this book after more than forty years journey along the Buddhist spiritual path. He has a palpable sense of humor that is evident in his Dharma stories. As a practicing Buddhist monk I believe wholeheartedly that any serious reader who encounters his brand of Buddhist Humor will find lasting Benefits.
Ven. Phra Maha Somphong Santacitto
President of the Buddhist Sangha Youth of Thailand
Wat Arun, Bangkok, Thailand
Preface
I suppose it is possible to describe American humor as jovial, British humor as dry, Scandinavian humor as silly and Russian humor as grim. Buddhist humor might be described as insightful. I suspect that if you actually laugh at Buddhist humor you are being polite, but once you understand Buddhist humor you’re more likely to notice that the world is a very funny place.
Yogi Yasha
Ranong, Thailand
Table of Contents
Organizing Buddhist Humor is something like organizing the Buddhist Dharma; it wanders all over the place and is pretty much everywhere you look. Fortunately, there are a few categories where Buddhist Humor bunches up a bit.
1. Sensuality, relationships and whatever
2. Enlightenment
3. Thinking, busy mind and Logic
4. God and Heaven
5. Karma
6. Buddhist Deities
7. Zen Koans
8. Lama Tales
9. Eating and other Food Fantasies
10. Death
Chapter 1
Sensuality, Relationships and Whatever
Many people think this all disappears when you become a Buddhist. These people probably aren’t very good with population numbers. Remember, Monks and Nuns were people at some time in their lives and still have to answer questions about sex, sensuality, relationships and all sorts of conflicted choices.
1000 Wives
“How many wives do you have?” a student asked. “About a thousand,” answered the Lama.
“Is that one of your wives over there?” the student gestured, indicating an extravagantly beautiful New York woman walking her jeweled collared dog up an east side parkway.
“Yes, I think so,” replied the Lama.
“Wow! You must do it a lot?” the student concluded.
“No,” answered the Lama.
“No! Why not?”
“She say yes, I say no. I say yes she say no.”
Meditation People and Lay People
Buddhist countries are made up of two types of people; Meditation people and Lay people. Meditation people list the condition they value like this;
1. Quiet harmony
2. Happy family
3. Pleasant eating place
4. Chit chat
5. Loud music
6. Staying up late
Lay people list the conditions they value like this;
1. Staying up late
2. Loud music
3. Chit chat
4. Pleasant eating place
5. Happy family
6. Quiet harmony
In Buddhist cultures Lay people marry Meditation people and Meditation people marry Lay people.
Relationships
A Buddhist definition of relationship - none isn’t enough and one is too much.
Children
All Buddhist are obsessively interested in your relations, families and how many children you have; and do you need a wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend or something else…?
“Are you married?” the Master queried.
“Yes,” replied the visiting humorist, “We get along quite well. She laughed at everything I do.”
“That’s exceedingly good,” replied the Master. “Do you have any children?”
“No,” answered the humorist.
“Why Not?” questioned the surprised Master.
“My wife laughed at everything I do.”
Bulls and Cows
The first part of this story is old and well-known but you still have to remember that, bulls are boys and cows are girls.
Two bulls came to the top of a hill and look down on a herd of cows.
“Let’s run down and have sex with one of those cows,” said the younger bull, excitedly.Hum, thought the older bull, “Let’s walk down and have sex with all of them.”
This is where the Buddhist part begins.
There was a much older bull that had just made it to the top of the hill and looked out over the herd of cows, “I suggest that we stay here and let them come up and have sex with us.”
There was a much older bull that, puffing heavily, had just arrived. “Wow,” said the bull with a haggard expression. “Looks like a lot of work. I tell you what, my fantasies are quite wonderful; I can do what I want, stop when I feel like it and no one complains. So, I think I’ll just sit under this tree and enjoy my fantasies.”
Now there was a still older bull that had recently died. The meditating bull, under the tree was thinking about him and decided to go to heaven for a visit.“How is heaven?” he meditated.
“Wonderful, the sex is great!”
“How so?”
“Well, first of all I’m a cow, and second I am surrounded by very young bulls.”
Abstinence
“Master, is it easy to give up sex?” a Nun asked.
“Oh, yes,” answered the Master. “I’ve done it many times.”
Spiritual Celibacy Verses a Nonexistent Option
Fundamentalist Christians’ attitude about sex goes something like this; Sex is bad, dirty, wrong, evil, the first original, terrible, discussing SIN, even if you just think about it will send you down, down, down. If you touch it you are lost, dammed to burn, burn, burn in hell for ever and ever. Amen. Praise the Lord.
The Islamic attitude is a bit different such that men can do pretty much anything sexual they can imagine and you may have as many wives as you can afford. All of them must be virgins and if you suspect that they aren’t or have been unfaithful or even thinking about it, seen in public un-chaperoned or with their head uncovered you can have them, whipped, mutilated, stoned to death, their heads cut off or sold into slavery. Allah is kind, all praise be to Allah.
The Buddhists are a lot easier to get along with and say that sex is not bad or wrong and certainly not sinful: Buddhist do not believe in sin. The worst they can say about sex is that you might lose your reputation or for a few minutes of pleasure there might be nine months of heartache and headache. Also, sex is certainly distracting for your meditations. If you happen to acquiesce to perfectly natural physical impulses you have to go to the back of the Sangha meditational line.
These ideas contrast sharply to the extinct Matriarchal Goddess Cults of ancient Anatolia, Crete, and many other places that believed something like this about sex.
Abbess, “Really, guys, sex is one of the few things you actually do well. The priestesses and novices are well trained and very enthusiastic, best of all, no responsibilities. Our liturgy: Heaven now - why wait?”
Older Woman
“Master, do you like older woman?” A novice solicited.
Hum, let’s see, thought the Master, “I’m in my sixties but when I was your age I thought forty year old women were quite old. Now I think forty year old women look especially nice.”
Misconceptions
An old Forest Mystic called his Master on his Cell phones from his wilderness retreat.
Mystic - “Hello Master, we haven’t spoken for such a long time. How are you doing?”
Master - “Ah, it good to hear from you again. And I’m doing well as usual, but one of my students tells me you’re the father of her child.”
Mystic - “Well that’s amazing, who is this student?”
Master - “A Miss _________.”
Mystic - “That nice. Is she pretty?”
Master - “Yes, she is quite lovely.”
Mystic - “It is nice to know that I make love to attractive ladies; how old is the child?”
Master - “About four years old.”
Mystic - “And what is the child’s name?”
Master - “Robert, I believe.”
Mystic - “Tell her that she had better change his name to Houdini.”
Master - “You mean the Houdini the escape artists; how come?”
Mystic - “It would have been a rather remarkable conception since I had a vasectomy 25 years ago.”
The End of Sex
A frustrated young novice who had recently noticed that girls had suddenly become more interesting asked, “Roshi, when does this sex thing go away?”
The Roshi brooding for a moment, “Hum, I’m sixty seven years old but I can’t answer your question. You are going to have to ask someone older than I am.”
“Argh!!” gasped the young novice, feeling faint.
Chapter 2
Enlightenment
Everyone wants to know about Enlightenment and suspect, deep down somewhere in their mind, that they are already enlightened. I suspect many of these people will be surprised to discover that they are correct; unfortunately, it will take a bit of time for them to believe it.
Knowing
“What is the meaning of life?” a conflicted student solicited.
“You came here you might as well be here,” answered the Venerable Phra.
“I don’t know what that means? the student responded.
“Yes, I know,” answered the Venerable Phra.
Meditation
Three monks sitting in the forest;
“Life is like a pizza,” stated the first Monk in a flash of insight.
A year later the second Monk replied, “No, it’s not.”
A year later the third Monk gets up exclaiming, “I’m leaving all you do is argue.”
Meditation 2
“How long should I meditate?” a novice asked.
“I think a half an hour should be enough,” answered the Master meditatively. “Unless you are quite busy, then it takes an hour.”
The Dead
“Sensei, I understand you talk to the dead,” asked a student.
“Yes,” answered the Sensei. “The dead are easy to talk too; it’s the living who are tough.”
Thinking
“What is Enlightenment?” a student inquired.
“Enlightenment is easy. Keeping is difficult.”
“I thought Enlightenment was difficult? the student responded.
“Stop thinking,” answered the Master.
Good Idea
“What is Enlightenment?” a student inquired.
“You can’t get there from here,” answered the Roshi.
“I don’t know what that means?” the student answered.
“Sometimes you have to be there before you get there,” answered the Roshi.
“I don’t know what that means either?” the student sadly responded.
“Sometimes there is no there, there,” answered the Roshi.
“I’m still confused,” counter the student still struggling.
“It will be there when you get there,” answered the Roshi.
“I think I want to kill myself,” replied the frustrated student.
“Good Idea,” answered the Roshi.
Prophesy
“Master, are you enlightened?” the Nun asked.
“Yes,” responded the Master instantly.
“Then why don’t more people know about you?” the Nun enquired.
“There is an appalling lack of prophesy concerning my birth,” concluded the Master.
Creativity
“What is Enlightenment?” the student asked.
“All possible things are optional,” answered the Roshi.
“I think that helps but I don’t know how,” answered the student.
“You create your own disqualifications,” responded the Roshi.
You’re Purpose in life
“I am to busy to Meditate,” stated the Layman.
“Breath,” replied the Master.
“I have many responsibilities,” replied the Layman.
“Relax,” encouraged the Master,
I need a purpose in my life,” anguished the Layman.
“Forget your purpose in life.”
I don’t know
“What is the Truth?” the student inquired.
“The Truth eventually catches on,” answered the Venerable Phra.
“So?” The student replied.
“The Truth is not hidden just unnoticed,” continued the Venerable Phra.
“Ok,” continued the student.
“The Truth makes sense,” he encouraged.
“This all seems true,” the student persisted. “But why do we have so much trouble with it?”
“I don’t know,” answered the Venerable Phra.
Future Lives
A Buddhist Siddha Yogi observed, “I see that you have only five more lives to live.”
“Ah,” replied the Mystic Buddhist. “Then there is no need to rush!”
Misha, a Russian Siddhartha
Misha was a boy who grew up kind. He didn’t remember when he made this decision or that it was a decision at all. What it looked like to him was this was a good way for people to live, and he expected that everyone had chosen more or less the same.
Kindness got him through school with little hassle. Mostly, it got him into the woods and streams, on top of mountains and in quiet meadows. It got him into a marriage and out of a marriage. It brought him children and took them away.
Finding himself alone he went into a monastery to think things over. The Masters saw more clearly what kindness was doing and encouraged him to formalize his meditation. After six years they had protected him as much as they could and sent him back where he came from.
He saw that not very many people have chosen to be kind after all. For many years he encouraged those who had not made a choice to consider kindness, but eventually everyone left him alone.
He returned to his practices and waited. From time to time he would come out and say, hello, but people were very busy. One-day kindness decided to move on. It could not leave him in an ordinary place so he was taken to a special place.
What ordinary people thought was that he had gone crazy and they shunned him, saying that everything he had told them must have been wrong.
A Layman’s Guide to Enlightenment
What the Buddha taught is wonderful. What the Buddhist did with what the Buddha taught is confusing at best. Enlightenment is an example. All traditions have established that enlightenment is the goal, the objective, although quite exclusive and mostly unattainable. The Buddha did not say this. The Buddha began with Enlightenment. Then learned and eventually taught the Dharma for forty five years. What the sutras say about what the Buddha thought at enlightenment was, (and I paraphrase generously) “Wow, this is amazing I want to know more.”
If you have read a single book on the Dharma and said to yourself something like, “Wow, this is amazing I want to know more.” You are enlightened in the same way the Buddha was. Unfortunately, there are comfort zones in the Land of Enlightenment.
First, everyone begins in the Land of Enlightenment as a tourist. Tourist can do whatever they want, study any doctrine and go anywhere. If you decide to get more involved you must take refuge with some orthodox tradition.
If you take refuge you are now a Citizen in the Land of Enlightenment. There are obligations; if someone asked you if you are a Buddhist you have to answer “yes". Also, the orthodox people will expect you to behave traditionally.
Eventually they will ask you to become a Monk or Nun. If you say “yes,” you disappear into the system. If you say “no,” eventually they will ask you if you want to be an instructor or sponsor. If you say “yes,” there are all sorts of projects you get to do that don’t have anything to do with your meditations. If you say “No, I just want to do my meditations,” the traditionalists can’t do much with you, accept be patient.
What can happen to you at this time is that you discover all sorts of meditational choices that the orthodox folks never told you about or didn’t even know about. Also, you are also no longer a citizen but part of the Bureaucracy (as are the traditional Monks and Nun), thought a bit odd and suspect.
There are now several options you can choose; one is to become a Mystic. No one knows what a Mystic Buddhist actually is but they always cause trouble by pointing out to the orthodox Buddhist the silly things they do. So, if the orthodox people like you, you’re probably not a Mystic.
Another option is being a Hermit or Forest Monk, sometimes referred to as Yogis. These people get out of town and away from the monastery as fast as they can. If you actually fine a Hermit, Forest Monk or any other kind of Yogi you are very far away.
Another option is being an actual Teacher of the Insightful Dharma. Students think there are not very many good instructors, which is true. Real teachers know there are very few actual students. Few enlightened people decide to be teachers.
The next category makes you exceptional and if there were an Aristocracy in Buddhism these people would be there. One is a Fair Witness (A bodhisattva possibly). This is someone that can look at you and know everything there is to know about you. Nothing is hidden from them. If you happen to find one - be respectful. If someone knows everything there is to know about you they can be intimidating, and are, if you give them trouble.
Woman can choose to be any of these meditational disciplines, and they do. They are quite inspiring, when you find one, and are probably better at it than you are. They have an option where men cannot go or understand. Women, who actually create life, can also break it. Men only pretend to do these things. When a woman understands how this is done she may decide to become a Rainbow Walker and probably other things they don’t tell us about.
The next category in Land of Enlightenment is the First Speaker. These people don’t necessarily speak first but are always the first people to ask questions, extremely difficult questions, for example - What are you doing here? What is sanctuary? What are your graces? Where does power come from? Who see’s? And many more…
If you can answer all of these questions you get to go to the door at the far end of the Land of Enlightenment where there is a sign that asks – “Where do people go when they figure it out?”
No one is sure if you are still in the Land of Enlightenment if you pass through this door.
Tambolia
“Buddhist Meditations are quite difficult,” commented a Nun.
‘True,” replied the Mystic stoically.
‘Is there is simpler way to get me to where I need to be?” the Nun pleaded.
There is a Map of Your Mind that some Buddhist use,” said the Mystic.
“There is?” asked the Nun surprised. “I’ve never seen one or even heard of such a thing.”
“It’s a meditation that is not hidden but deeply unnoticed,” replied the Mystic.
“How do you happen to know about it?” the Nun asked intrigued.
“The Great and Grand Mystical Mystic tells this story;
Most people live their life as if they were in a dark room. They keep bumping into things they know nothing about. An epiphany is when someone turns a light on in that room. The Tambolian Map is a map of your mind with all the lights turned on.”
“Do you have a Tambolian Map?” the Nun asked hopefully.
“Probably,” replied the Mystic shyly.
Chapter 3
Thinking, Busy Mind and Logic
It seems that everyone has trouble with their busy thinking mind and the many voices in their head. Please notice that Buddhist Humor is simply another voice in an odd part of your head. Be at ease, it’s a chronic condition of humanity and I suspect of all living things. A couple of points that we should be aware of: one, you should not believe everything you think; and two, thoughts don’t think by themselves.
“Where does thinking come from?” the student inquired.
“A busy mind,” answered the Venerable Phra.
“But where does that come from?” the student continued.
“Being out of balance.”
“But why would I be out of balance?” the student persisted.
“Craving and ignorance,” continued the Venerable Phra.
"But where does that come from?”
“Emptiness,” said the Venerable Phra patiently.
“But what is emptiness?” the student badgered.
“The absence of students,” smiled the Venerable Phra walking away.
Minds
“Roshi, could you please help us?” asked the novice then continues. “We have been trying to read each other’s mind but we don’t think it worked.”
“What did you do?” the Roshi asked politely.
“We sat quietly in a dark room and focused on each others mind,” explained the novice. “All that happened was that it seemed to get darker.”
“You did fine. That’s exactly how it is done,” answered the Roshi.
“I don’t understand?” questioned the novice deeply confused.
“Well,” continued the Roshi. “You visit his mind and nobody home, he visit your mind and nobody home.”
Right Understanding
Two Asian Monks walk into a western hardware store. The first Monk asks in broken English, “We want four by twos please.”
The sales person, smiling a bit, answered, ‘I think you mean 2x4’s?”
A short foreign conversation perused when the first Monk responded, “Yes we want 2x4’s please.”
“How long do you want them?” the sales person asked politely.
This time the conversation between the two Monks was much longer when the first Monk finally says, “We want them for a long time we are going to build a temple, please.”
What people think
Some people wince, cringe and shrink,
At the very thought of what people might think.
Others are much more at ease,
To let people think what ever they please.
The Hole
“Master, I have fallen into the hole and injured my self, rather badly,” whined the student.
“That hole has been there for ten years or so; why did you decided to fall into it now?” the Master asked.
“I don’t know. I just did. What are you going to do about my leg?” The student whimpered.
“Well,” said the Master. “If you had fallen into the hole a month ago you would be all better by now.”
Excuse me
Many times beginning meditation centers are humble affairs. One evening, during Puja, someone knocked on the front door, which was also the door to the ceremony room. The Master got up to answer it.
“Oh! Excuse me for disturbing your meditation,” explained the startled visitor.
“Oh, no,” said the Master. “They are not meditation they are just sitting there.”Tabloids
“Reading and studying the Dharma is very hard work,” explained a novice.
“True,” agreed the Venerable Phra.
“Tabloids and television are much more exciting,” continued the novice a bit worried about where the conversation was heading.
“The existence of tabloids is proof that we are not going to survive as a species,” responded the Venerable Phra insightfully.
“That’s quite grim,” said the novice.
“Not so,” said the Venerable Phra excitedly. “The next species might be able to avoid tabloids and TV, but the Dharma will still be here.”
The Journey
“Where am I?” the student requested.
“Let’s see,” said the Sensei meditating for a moment. “The spiritual journey takes you from where you are to where you are supposed to be; unfortunately, to only notice you are not where you are supposed to be when - you’re lost!”
The Universe
“Why do people keep bring us food?” a novice asked.
“So that we might do meditations for them that they aren’t able to do for themselves,” answered the Venerable Phra.
“But where do they get the food?” pressed the novice.
“They have to work quite hard to provide food for you.”
“But doesn’t the earth ultimately provide the food?” the novice concluded pondering hard.
“The earth and the sun as well”
“Is that the total source of our food?” the novice pushed.
“In order for you to eat your rice,” said the Venerable Phra, thoughtfully. “The whole Universe has to exist.”
Thinking
Western Philosopher, “I think therefore I am.”
Buddhist Philosopher, “I think therefore I think I am.”
Worry
“Do you worry about your reputation?” the student inquired hesitantly.
“What people think of me is none of my business,” responded the Master.
Verse
“Sensei, is the Universe the only verse?” the novice asked teasingly.
“When I think about it, yes. When I don’t think about it, no.”
“That is a really lousy answer,” criticized the novice.
“Well then, let’s try this; what is the first question you ever asked?” The Sensei pressed.
The novice thought for a moment, “Why? I suppose.”
“What was your answer?”
“I don’t know,” said the novice, forlornly.
“How many universes is that and how far apart are they?”
Yes
“Master, are you enlightened?” asked a student mischievously.
“Yes,” responded the Master.
The student somewhat surprised asked, “Do you have a degree or some kind of certificate that confirms your Enlightenment?”
“No,” the Master responded calmly and continued, “and what difference would it make; having the fools consider you no fool is a distinction hardly worth pursuing.”
Chapter 4
Gods and Heavens
The existence of God is hotly debated. With Christianity and Islam saying that their God absolutely has to exist; the Buddhist are mostly indifferent. I suspect that paying attention to what the scientists are saying might be helpful - That 96% of the entire observable universe doesn’t actually exist in any direct, measurable sense (Three dimensional Euclidean space). I suspect that the 4% that seems to exist (which is us and everything we can know) is rather a consolation prize.
“Is there a God?” a Nun inquired.
“The Buddhist have several positions about this question,” answered the Master. “If you are not enlightened you should not talk about God. Enlightened people are smart enough not to talk about God. If you are a God it is ego centric to talk about yourself, besides few people would understand you anyway. The few people that do understand you are probably already Buddhist.”
God-2
“Is there a God?” a student asked.
“What is a God?” the Roshi responded.
“I suspect it is some kind of supper smart being that can do anything it wants,” answered the student.
“It sounds like you are describing my cat,” answered the Roshi. “It comes and goes when it likes, eats when it likes, sleep when it likes, doesn’t seen to care much about people; and looks at me as if, whatever I’m doing, doesn’t matter.”
Cats
“The Buddhist don’t seem to like cats very much. Is that a problem?” a novice asked.
“It might be,” answered the Master. “The Egyptians were the first to domesticate cats thought they were quite special for obscure metaphysical reasons and one Buddhist Mystic realized that; there are many intelligent species through this Universe and Cats own all of them.”
“Is there a God?” a Nun inquired again.
“I’m not sure,” answered the Roshi. “But it seems that it is an argument between three groups of people: those who believe there is no less than one god (Hindus) and those who believe that there is no more than one god (Christians, Islam) and the Buddhists who believe that there is approximately zero gods.”
“Why do Buddhist Temples seem to have so many dogs lying around,” one of the new novice inquired. “There seems little to protect and the dogs look like they might sleep through a robbery.”
“True,” said the Roshi. “But you haven’t noticed that Monks and Nuns never fart but they are often around dogs that do.”
The Many Gods
In the beginning everything was perfect. “We need something to do,” suggested one of the Gods.
“Why don’t we introduce an idea like imbalance - things slightly off center, a bit crooked, a little wobbly maybe things even vaguely wicked,” Mara suggested with an impish grin.
“Wow!” all the Gods raved, “That is incredible, miraculous, stunning. Look at the wonders and majesty; the diversity and vitality.”
“It won’t last,” Mara cautioned broodingly.
“Why not?” a God questioned.
“Someone included impermanence and death,” observed Mara disheartened somewhat.
“Aren’t they important in this process,” another God asked.
‘Probably,” concluded Mara still despondent. “But it means that eventually everything will become perfect again.”
The Perfect God
A Mystic tells a story of an ancient God that did everything perfectly the very first time. When he made himself he was perfect, omniscient, omnipresent, all powerful, the essence of goodness and kindness. When he made a universe it was perfect in every possible way. Since he was gone for just an instant the other Gods asked him how his universe went. He answered, “Perfect, while it lasted.”
Existence 1
“Does the Buddha exist?” a Nun anxiously asked.
“Buddhists feel that the Buddha is so amazing he doesn’t have to exist,” answered the Mystic.
Existence 2
“Master, what is the meaning of existence?” the layman asked.
“It’s the answer to a question,” explained the Master.
“Really?” asked the startled layman. “What question?”
“Where do you go when you have been stupid in non existence?” the Master smiled.
Where is the Buddha?
A new novice entered the temple and was sitting improperly. “We don’t sit with our feet pointing toward the Buddha,” the Master criticized.
The Novice sat properly for several days but seemed to be upset. “Master,” the Novice finally said, “I cannot be a novice here.”
“Why not?” the Master asked.
“Everywhere I point my feet is toward the Buddha.”
A Meditation on Heaven
Occasionally Heaven and what it might mean become important in your life. Unfortunately, figuring out Heaven is an ocean of conflicting belief, opinions, doctrines and philosophies. Fortunately we are given all sorts of time to figure it out, assuming we live long enough.
Since I lived in a Christian country, I’ll use the Christian Heaven as a bench mark to compare other ideas. Unfortunately, for me at least, the Christian Heaven seems awfully exclusive. I suspect 144,000 people; actually the number of men who will be allowed into heaven, might have seemed like a large number to the people at the time when they thought the number up. Now it seems like a tough number to work with, especially for women.
Another problem with orthodox traditions is the zealots, bigots, perverts and inquisitional people they seem to cultivate by the bushel. I’m sure that I do not want to go where these people are going! So I thought I might look into this Heaven business a little more closely.
I started with the first commandment in the Old Testament in the Christian Bible: Thou shall not take any other God before me. First of all it seems clear to me that this God wants to be important. Secondly, if this God wants to be the first God there must be other Gods to the head of. I wondered if these other Gods might be a little easier to get along with.
Thirty years ago I was a student of several Tibetan Lamas; we had a number of talks about what Heaven might mean. One Lama asked me, “Why do you like the Christianity so much? Heaven is so small and Hell is so big!”
You have to be careful about how you answer Lama’s questions, so I asked one myself, “What about the Buddhist Heaven?”
“Well,” answered the Lama, “if we actually had a heaven and hell at least they would be the same size.”
This was somewhat encouraging and it also seemed that this Heaven business wasn’t as well figure out as I had expected. So I decided to meditate upon other Heaven ideas.
Sure enough, the Christian Heaven is quite exclusive; even the Popes have a hard time getting into the place. The biggest problem seems to be the sin and retribution business. The Jews, Catholics, Protestants and Muslims are very big on this idea. Fortunately, the Buddhist and Hindus are a bit more understanding, and the Neolithic, Pagan and Animist tradition didn’t think this way at all. The Greek, Roman and Nordic Gods spent a fare amount of time trying to be just like people. By this token it seems that many of the Gods aren’t all that excited by this sin and retribution problem either. In the lesser more out of town Heavens - say the fifth or sixth on the list, sin is almost gone. I believe that it was the God in Heaven number six that said this about sin and retribution, “Well, I think you could have done better,” and left it at that.
The Muslim Heaven seems particularly strange to me. Their idea of Heaven is a lot of virgins, seventy two, I think. I’m already exhausted and can you imagine all the bottles in the bathroom. Figure twenty bottles of something per virgin, that’s 1,440 bottles in the bathroom. I suspect there is not a single drain in the Muslim heaven that is not clogged with hair. And the PMS! (Premenstrual syndrome) Can you imagine seventy two virgins on PMS at the same time? More of a problem would be that if the virgins decided to spread this condition out. That would be three virgins on PMS everyday for eternity. No wonder these people have such a difficult time getting along.
In my meditations it seemed that the competition for souls was fairly intense, such that the further one gets away from the exclusive four-star, top of the line Heavens the easier they are to negotiate with. In fact they seem fairly anxious to please. As far as I’m concerned these out-of-town lesser Heavens have a lot going for them. For one, it is a lot easier to talk to the boss if you have a problem. Secondly, it is a lot less crowded.
One Heaven, I think it was twenty three or so said, “Think of the best possible place you would like to be and I’ll make it a little bit better.” Seemed like a pretty nice God to me.
Also, most of the people who die are old folks. It was Heaven eighty four that offered, “All your teeth back and a good crap very day – guaranteed.” This guy was more popular than you might expect.
Another point is that half the people who die are woman. Can’t say that men as well as the patriarchal Gods have treated woman all that well. So I asked one of ladies what she thought. I can assure you that her Heaven was very different, as you might imagine. If a man wants some idea of what a matriarchal Heaven might be like they should pick up and read a romance novel with one stipulation - he has to read every word to the end.
Anyway, good luck on your Heaven journey and remember that compared to death all life is short. I might suggest that you not get overly committed about you’re Heaven beliefs – wait until you die as see who makes you an offer.
Everything
What is the difference between good and evil?” a Nun inquired
“Hum,” hummed the Lama, “There is no difference between good and evil as far as I can tell, but when you have a choice, choose the good.”
“That almost makes sense but seems contradictory,” concluded the Nun.
“Good and evil are extreme cases of the middle,” added the Lama smiling.
“But what happens in the middle?” the Nun asked even more frustrated.
“Everything,” concluded the Lama.
Chapter 5
Karma
Karma maybe the most misused word not translated into the English language. It is also not true that using a foreign word makes it easier to understand the initial idea. Is a wonder to me that the Buddhist can spend more than 2500 years and hundreds of thousands of words talking about karma and still think they understand what karma might mean?
Making Sense
“What is Karma?” asked a frustrated Nun.
“When you have done good things in the past you will have good things happen to you in the future,” answered the Abbess.
“I thought some Buddhist didn’t believe in the future or the past?” commented the Nun.
“True,” said the Abbess.
“Then Karma doesn’t make much sense.”
“That’s Karma’s karma.”
Ψ
First Cause
“If karma is the belief in cause and effect is there an original first cause?” asked a student.
“Absolutely,” answered the Master.
“Good,” said the relieved student. “What was it?”
“I don’t know,” answered the Master.
“Does anyone know?”
“No. it is not possible to know the first original cause,” answered the Master."
"If no one knows the first cause what if there wasn’t a first cause?”
“Then we wouldn’t be here,” answered the Master.
“Is why the Buddhist say it is all an illusion?”
Ψ
The Stick
"Master you keep hitting us with your stick. Isn’t that bad karma?”
“No,” said the Master. “It is very good karma.”
“What if I hit you with a stick?” the student said.
“That would be very bad karma.”
“I don’t understand the difference.”
“That is your karma.”
Ψ
Christian Karma
An American Buddhist, who had recently died, walked up to the pearly gates and met one of the original Christians.
“Your St. Paul?” asked the very surprised Buddhist.
“True,”
I’ve been a Buddhist for forty years and have been somewhat critical of your teachings, especially the way Christians have treated Woman.”
“You do what you can,” answered St Paul. The Buddhist psychically realizing that how one’s teaching is applied after one’s death is hardly the teachers fault.
“You seem an odd choice to shepherd me into the next place,” commented the Buddhist.
“It was my turn,” said St. Paul meaning that the distinction between the traditions disappear when you get this far.
“Then there is no difference between traditions?”
“Good teachings are all the same the understanding varies.”
“Does that have to do with Karma?”
“We call it the will of God.”
Ψ
Fast Karma
“What is the difference between good karma and bad karma?”asked a new student.
“When you have good karma mostly you don’t notice. When you do have bad karma you notice it eventually.”
“Well then, how do you know when you have cleaned up your karma?”
“When it is instant.”
Ψ
Down
“It seems that good karma is piled on bad karma piled on all sorts of other karma is all that karma piled on any anything?” asked a student.
“No,” replied the Master, “it’s karma all the way down.”
Ψ
Nothing
“Master is karma good or bad?”
“Imagine what no karma might be like,” answered the Master.
“I suspect that there would be nothing to do or possibly nothing at all.”
“That is what I suspect. Now, is karma good or bad?”
“Ah,” sighed the student.
Ψ
Someplace
“What is good karma?” asked a student.
"It is knowing that you are in the right place and wondering where everyone else is.
Good karma
A beautiful woman came up to a man and said she wanted to be his wife. He was overjoyed with his good karma.
She was also overjoyed because of what the man did not know.
Ψ
Life
A boy was given a horse for his birthday and thought his karma good. He eventually fell off his horse and injured his leg, others thought his karma was not so good. A conflict broke out nearby but he was unable to fight because of his leg and again thought his karma good. Unfortunately, they lost the conflict and had to leave their home. They found a much nicer place in a few days journey and made a safe and pleasant home for themselves. Eventually he became old and died and found himself in a much better place and asked if this was because of his good karma.
The Master answered, “All karma is good karma.”
Ψ
Karma and Dogma
An old student decided to tease the Master came running into the temple, “My Karma just ran over your dogma,” he said anxiously but smiling.
“Do you mean that you just killed my dog?” the Master asked.
“No, I don’t think that what it means,” offered another student.
“You mean that it is a syllogistic paradox?”
“I don’t know?” answered the bewildered student.
“What is Karma?” asked the Master.
“It is belief of cause and effect,” answered the older student
“What is Dogma?” he asked
“It is a belief in that belief.” answered the older student
“Then,” concluded the Master, “your statement, my karma just ran over your dogma is an Epimendes self - referential Paradox on the order of;
The following statement is true,
The preceding statement is false.
"You have erased 2500 years of Buddha Dharma. That is funny.”
Ψ
Chapter 6
Buddhist Deities (helpers)
The Buddha didn’t encourage people to worship, honor or depend upon deities, gods, spirits or the intervention of any divine, semi-divine or awful ugly anything. As far as I can tell, not a single Buddhist listened to him in this regard. I suspect the list of Buddhist Deities from all the different Buddhist cultures and long history would weight 15kg or more. I doubt a few more will be noticed.
Every time a Buddhist buys a car they have it blessed by a Monk and, sure enough, it works. From then on the vehicle is the residence of the Buddhist Auto Deity (Baahbad). The Buddhist Auto Deity chant is - Om Maha Baah bad Mak Mak (Mak is a Thai term meaning many or much, Baah means crazy). You should chant this mantra three times every time you get into your car. The 9 precepts of the Buddhist Auto Deity are;
1. There are driving codes – they are all written in Sanskrit.2. It doesn’t matter what lane you drive in or how fast you go.
3. The motorcyclists are all paying attention to you so don’t worry about them.
4. Cut every corner regardless of you speed.
5. There are no parking spaces so park where ever you want.
6. Motorcyclists know that auto drivers are paying attention to them.
7. There is no need to maintain the car – it’s new.
8. When you need to pass, everyone knows this, and will get out of your way.
9. You are the world’s best driver.
Walking
Buddhist countries seem to have a lot of people in them. The more monks they have the more children they have. I’m not sure what the connection is. What is true is that all of these people definitely walk around. One might expect that by this time they would have figured out sidewalks. The 9 precepts for honoring the Sidewalks Deity, (Maypossiblygetyouthere) are as follows;
1. All sidewalks are to be wide enough for 1½ people to walk safely.2. Any steps must be of uneven heights and depths.
3. Sidewalks are an excellent place for businesses, electric poles, sign posts, and anything else that can be put there.
4. Sidewalks always repair themselves, eventually.
5. Sidewalks are tinny road way.
6. Sidewalks don’t have to begin anywhere or go any place.
7. Holes in sidewalks are put there by God.
8. Sidewalks sometimes look like other things, like home.
9. All sidewalks are sometimes elevated.
The Robe Tucking Deity
All Buddhist Monks have Robes. It’s the law. I suspect that the Buddha had a reason for this but sometimes they forget so there is a special robe-tucking Deity (Mahaspotemfromafar) assigned to make sure they get it right. The 9 precepts of the Robe Tucking Deity are;
1. The robe is more important than anything.
2. Robe-tucking is part of Buddha nature.
3. The robe enlightenment meditation is still secret.
4. There is a hole in your robe that, when you put something there, it goes to the other side of time.
5. Without mindfulness there is no tucking.
6. Underneath your robe there is nothing.
7. If you get any part of it wrong everyone will notice.
8. There is an inside and an outside, somewhere.
9. This robe is not you.
The Robe Meditation
“Master, you have achieved the awareness beyond all awareness. With deep and grateful respect tell us your meditation.”
“Easy,” replied the Master all you have to do is answer this one question – What is the meaning of the Buddhist robes?"
"Tell us the answer?” the students begged.
"Tell us the answer?” the students begged.
“I can't.”
“Do you mean that we are not qualified to hear the answer?”
"Everyone is qualified to hear the answer. In the 2500 years since the Buddha not a single robed monks has figured out anything more meaningful."
The Buddhists are not very good dancers but have meditational dances that are performed on special occasions. They look quite odd, will never get to Las Vegas, Morocco or Macho, are autonomous, are hard to do for long periods of time and have a special Dancing Deity (Shirielephantfeetompat). There are 9 precepts in the form of a ritual chant translated from a Shambhalian text of Mystical Buddhism from an undiscovered East Asian Country.
Chant 100,000 times before you begin – The Darkness Dance
1. I dance the darkness under my feet.
2. I ponder deep the mystery dance, the darkness under my feet.
3. I wish to meet the mystery beast, who dances with a gentle beat, the darkness under my feet.
4. I want to slip to everywhere, to touch the distant other-there, to sit in the seat of the pilgrim priest, to dance the darkness under my feet.
5. I have to go to the Who-knows-When, to sip the water of Ever-Then, to balance on the water-wind, to listen to the other beat, to dance the darkness under my feet.
6. I wish to sit on the other side, to watch the frenzy dance on by, to see the boundless simplicity, interconnecting complicity.
7. I accept this fleeting chance, and beat the beat of the darkness dance.
8. To value this remarkable feat, and dance the darkness under my feet.
9. Because there is a reason why, it’s not to sit or wonder why, but to take a cosmic chance, and to love the happenstance, and dance the boundless darkness dance.
If you are able to figure out what any of this means you might audition somewhere. If you ever meet a Shambhalian I suspect that you need to get out more.
Note: Many of the unusual words and word combinations are defined in the glossary located in appendix A in a book.
Chapter 7
Zen Koans
Koans are paradoxical statements that the Japanese stole (memorized) from the Chinese who probably borrowed (stole) from an enlightened Japanese Monk travelling through China, on his way to Sranath. Or is it the other way around?
I didn’t like Koans until I figured them out, now I think they’re wonderful windows into yourself. If you actually laugh at a Koan you probably need to adjust your medication.
Zen
Zen is defined ignominiously as the Japanese spending one thousand years and five million words explaining this ( ).
Hands
Master, “You know the sound of two hands clapping. What is the sound of one hand clapping?”
Translation – where is happiness located?
Buddha Nature
The Buddha says that, “All things have Buddha nature.” Mumon says, “That dog does not have Buddha Nature.” Who is right?
Translation – If the Buddha nature can’t be shared what difference does it make?
The Bodhi Tree
You are hanging by your teeth from a limb of a tree that extends over the edge of a cliff. Tigers are waiting at the bottom to eat you if you fall. Your hands are tied behind your back and you feet are tied together. A Master walking by asks you this question, “Why did Boddhi Dharma go to China?”
Translation – If he told anyone it might have helped.
What Does the Buddha See
A Master criticized a novice, “You keep looking at the statue of the Buddha. What do you see? What does the Buddha see?”
Translation – Can you see forever?
Where is Your Mind
The Master spoke, “You store good thoughts in your head, happy thoughts in your heart, and conflicted thoughts in your stomach. Where are the other thought stored?”
Translation – Mount stupid, is about a meter behind you and takes about a week to crash into you if you can sit still that long. It is not a pretty sight and is why monasteries are located far, far away.
The Middle
Master said, “Life is like a tight rope secured in the middle.”
Translation – When you are in the middle there is no rope.
A Self Referential Paradox
The Master said, “The following statement is true. The preceding statement is false.”
Translation – You can see the beginning from here.
Chapter 8
Lama Tales
Fairy Tales begin with, once upon a time and end with, and they lived happily ever after. Most people don’t believe in Fairy Tales but we hope they happen to someone, somewhere.
Because I was in the Navy and lived on a boat at Fisherman’s Terminal in Seattle for 15 years or so I’m familiar with sea stories which begin with, I ain’t shit’en you buster and end with, can you believe that! I suspect most sea stories are true because these people don’t have the imagination to think up such bizarre stories.
Buddhist stories seem to start in the middle with, thus I have heard and end in the middle with, thus I have heard! These stories seem to meander about without much regard to linear time or other expectations most people have about stories.
Tibetans came to North America in the early 1970’s and caused quite a stir. There was considerable controversy concerning their behavior and some of the people they recognized as Tolku, but they were mostly nice to me.
Lama Tales are defiantly mindful with a generous dose of metaphysical gymnastics thrown in for interest. Now imagine that you are living in Tibet at 12,000 feet altitude, which is always very cold and dry. You drink the most god awful salted tea, eat lukewarm food, take a bath a couple of times a year whether you need to or not, are barely literate and see if you can laugh politely at these stories.
The Great Yak Meditation
A Master tells of the great and wonderful mystical Yak that wonders through the secret forested hills of Shambhala that only takes a dump once every kulpa. The Master then asks, “What direction does the turd fall?”
To the optimists it falls up the hill.
To the pessimist it falls on his shoe.To the pragmatists it falls like a turd.
To the reductionists it falls a little bit at a time.
To the holistic it falls in a nutrition circle.
To the literalists it is just a turd.
To the Zen Master it falls quietly into nothingness.
To the Mystic it falls by let go.
To the Siddha Yoga it falls into a turd Mandala.
To the Theravada Buddhist it doesn’t exist.
To the Mahayana Buddhist it is a meditational matrix.
To the lay person, what’s a Yak? What’s a kulpa?
Visualizations
This story is a bit autobiographical if you believe such things.
I moved into Padma Ling Monastery in the summer of 1971, with Tarthang Tolku Rimpoche, and began formal practices. It was a frenzied time in a frenzied year in the heart of the hippy revolution at Berkeley, California. The Padma Ling Monastery is a converted fraternity house five blocks east of Telegraph Avenue, arguably the most berserk place on the planet. Within a few weeks of living in the basement, in a closet under the stairs leading to the meditation and ceremony room, I decided to acquire the Longchen Nyingtik Refuge Tree Visualization.
I noticed other students had this enigmatic pictograph on their alters. Not familiar with the normal Tibetan protocols in such matters I snuck into the ceremony room when no one was around, rummaged under the alter until I found the stack of visualizations and snatched one as clean as the Artful Dodger in any Dickens novel. I shortly discovered that this was a serious breach of meditational and spiritual integrity, but I kept the visualization anyway.
A few weeks later Tarthang Tolku Rimpoche visited me in my little closet- room. This was not as easy as it might seem. I lived in a basement in a large fraternity house converted into a meditation center. To get to my room you had to know the right hallways, go through the correct doorways, and move around some basement storage things, all of which made about half the journey in complete darkness, even in the day time. We, as students, were supposed to be up at 6:00 am to do the morning practices in the ceremony room at 6:30 am. Tarthang arrived at my room at 5:45 am and caught me sitting in the half lotus, with my alter properly set up, with a candle burning in a proper dish and incense in the proper sand holder, chanting away like a mad mendicant. I’m not sure what he was expecting to find as the door banged open and Tarthang, being a large man, filled up the closet and then some. He took a quick look around saw the Refuge Tree visualization among other things and said a “Harrumphed” kind of sound implying, I suppose, no justifiable reason for yelling at me and banged out again.
For the next couple of years I mostly stayed at Padma Ling Monastery between trips to the desert. At this time Gyaltrul Rimpoche was also living at Padma Ling. We seemed to get along quite well and he ultimately tested me on the symbolism of the Longchen Nyingtik Refuge Tree visualization.
I was never sure why no one at Padma ling or anywhere else seemed interested in this remarkable pictograph. I actually loved it from the very beginning; I was completely fascinated by, what eventually evolved into a sophisticated arrangement of symbol-strings-algorithms of abstract decision making protocols and outcome management strategies.
Initially the Longchen Nyingtik Refuge Tree pictograph appears to be an organization of the historical lineage of the Dzogchen Masters in the form of a refuge tree. This Tree, a possible depiction of the Boddhi Tree at Bodhi-Gaya India, is the primary structure and is typical of all Mahayana Buddhist linage visualizations. There are branches leading to Monks and Bodhisattvas, Yoga Masters, mediators, billowy clouds, banners of victory, an upside down rainbow and other peaceful/wrathful deities floating independently here and there. At the outset the pictograph seemed artfully stylized, historically complicated and conceptually tedious. Until I thought about it for a while - then it became infinitely fascinating. An esoteric plan representing my spiritual journey that morphed into a mapping algorithm of my conceptual mind, then into a convincing argument for enlightened awareness, then finally into a panoramic vista of the human condition.
For me this was a completely compelling realization process, utterly fascinating, addictive and persuasive. I asked Gyaltrul Rimpoche to test me on this process sometime in 1975. We were in Oakland California at the time and after my explanation he said that I had passed the test but I figured it out to fast. I asked him again to try to understand what he meant, “Had I actually figured out the symbolism of the Refuge Tree visualization?”
“Yes,” he said, then emphasized “But you did it to fast!”
Figuring out the Refuge Tree visualization was easier than figuring out Gyaltrul Rimpoche answer. To this day I haven’t the foggiest clue about what figuring out something to fast might mean. That I was able to unravel this Refuge Tree visualization enabled me to pass the Insight Test given to me by the Supreme Patriarch of Thailand a few years later, which of course led me to the Forest Monks in northern Thailand and eventually a sunny cave in the Superstition Mountains in Arizona
There is an anecdote that establishes another unusual connection with this particular Refuge Tree linage visualization pictograph. Gyaltrul Rimpoche came to Berkeley, California via Belleville, Canada. He came as the official Lama for fifty Tibetan families sponsored by the graciousness of the Canadian Government. Occasionally I had to take him back there for a visit to his traditional parishioners. We normally stayed at the hectic home of Nurup Rongue, who is the son-in-law of the King and Queen of Kam, Tibet, (The King and Queen of Kam, Tibet look exactly like the King and Queen on a deck of cards).
One afternoon I was asked to take a blanket outside to Nurup’s father, Tinzin, who had recently moved into the house. He was sitting under a tree in the back yard. I remember giving him the blanket then laying down beside him and falling fast asleep, an odd sort of behavior for me.
A few days later Tinzin came into my room and noticed the Refuge Tree visualization. He became quite agitated; he left and brought back his son to translate his concerns. Tinzin said that he was the original artist of this particular Refuge Tree visualization, which he had drawn in Kam Tibet twenty years or so earlier and wanted to know how I had come to posse it. I said that I got it from Tarthang Tolku Rimpoche. He immediately said that Tarthang had stolen it from him in Darminsala, India. I told them both how I had stolen it from Tarthang. Tinzin’s eyes glistened with the most conspiratorial laughter I had heard, maybe ever. We all laughed for a while then went out for some tea.
What do you like
A Zen Master Sung san Neim observed, “Why do you like Vajrayana – it’s so noisy so busy?”
Later a Tibetan Lama Jigtse nonchalantly asked, “Why do you like Zen it’s so quiet so boring?”
Much later a Theravada Monk noticed, “How can you trust the Mahayana; their so liberal?”
A Buddhist Mystic suggested, “If you can appreciate the difference - you don’t need to be here.”
Buddhist Names
Buddhists seem completely obsessed with giving people names. You can estimate how long a person had been studying the Dharma by the number of names they have. Unfortunately, it is difficult to discover very much about what these names actually mean. I have nine names that various people know me by depending upon where I am or different times in my life.
Yasha is not my real name but it is the only name I have discovered very much about. It was given to me by my Russian Dance choreographer, Natasha Borizova. I was the lead male dancer at the Russian Center in San Francisco from 1969 – 1972. Yasha is apparently Russian for Jim. I was also a student at the Tibetan Monastery of Padma Ling in 1971 and that name stuck because Ya translates as Yak, and Sha translates as meat. Yasha in Tibetan means Yakmeat. I can assure you my name was an endless source of humor for the Lamas.
In the mid 1970’s I was able to travel over most of the United States, Canada and Hawaii with the one, two and sometimes three Tibetan Lamas. I was their Chopon (Temple servant, stress the servant). My special ability was to be able to find a toilet for them, which I did every few of hours. It seemed that they had difficulty distinguishing the men room door from a closet door or any other door. This turned out to be an invaluable service for them. Remember, if you want to be some place, make yourself indispensable.
Occasionally, we would stop somewhere and help local people organize a new Dharma center. I would show up with the Lamas and mostly minded my own business. Eventually, because I wasn’t part of the local Sangha, someone would ask the Lamas, “Who’s that guy and what is he doing here?” When Lama Gyaltrul Rimpoche got the question he answered by telling this story;
Once there was a famous Lama whose responsibility was to officiate at an important spring planting ceremony. He always began his long journey early in case of possible delays. He packed up his Yak and started to leave but the Yak refused to move. Eventually he gave up. The next day the Yak would still not move. This happened everyday until it was too late to do the ceremony. Sure enough there was a famine and many people died.
Well, the people at the center, knowing about Tolkus, which are reincarnate Lamas, decided I must be one and asked, wide eyed, if I was a reincarnated Lama?
“No,” answered Gyaltrul Rimpoche, laughing, “he was the Yak!”
Sometime later at another new Dharma center another person wanted to know, “Who’s that guy and what is he doing here?” Again Gyaltrul Rimpoche answered by telling another story;
At a time in Tibet, when there was a great famine, some thieves stole a Yak, took it into a cave to butcher and eat it. Part way through their theft they discovered a Monk meditating in the cave and cut off his head. The Monk needing to complete his meditation searched around the cave for his head but found the Yak’s head instead. He put it on and proceeded to give the thieves a lecture on impertinence.
This time no one asked any questions because they didn’t have a clue about what the story might mean. But I asked about the Yak.
“It’s the same one you silly goose,” answered Gyaltrul laughing both at me and the bewildered expression on the other peoples faces.
I suspect that I have to fill in some spaces for those who didn’t live with three and sometimes four, Tibetan Lamas in the 1970’s. The Yak headed Monk is Yamentaka the wrathful emanation of Manjushree the double edged sword carrying deity of Dharma wisdom. My Yamentaka practices started two years after I became Chopon to these Lamas.
The only other Yasha I have ever met was the son of an Iranian Intellectual from Tehran University who said that Yasha is a very popular name in Iran. I have no idea where that might lead.
That the name Yasha somehow cropped up in my life with all sorts of metaphysical baggage connected to it is a puzzle. That I discovered all these connection is a paradox. That names can sometimes be quite important is a wonderful surprise.
Satisfied
Two Lamas were having tea when a dog began hysterical barking outside their door one Lama got up and yelled at the dog. Upon returning, the first Lams criticized, “That is not dharma.”
Hum, thought the second Lama for a bit, “I see we are both satisfied.”
“What do you mean?” the first Lama asked.
“You are satisfied with learning patience from a dog; while I am satisfied to teach the dog mindfulness.”
Chapter 9
Eating and other Food Fantasies
Eating in a monastery or retreat center in the 1970”s was always entertaining; especially in the North America where there were all sorts of irrational expectations about how cooking and meditational eating should be managed.
Tea Mantra
A Novice was preparing tea for the Lama’s when a New York devotee came into the kitchen. “You’re chanting the Tea Mantra? Aren’t you?” he asked stunned at the silence.
The Novice, with considerably more meditational experience, said with consummate perspicacity, “Of course I’m saying the Tea Mantra. Do you think I would forget such an important ceremony?”
After the devotee had left the novice asked the Lama, “What’s a Tea Mantra?”
The Lama look odd for a moment then answered, “I have never heard of a tea mantra?”
Prayers
“Master, why do we say prayers before eating?” a new novice asked.
“With the monks cooking it may be your last meal.”
Prayers 2
“Why do we say prayers before eating?” the Mystic asked.
“To be thankful for the food we eat,” replied the Lama.
“But aren’t we killing the food we eat?” continued the Mystic.
“The food receives merit for its sacrifice,” continued the Lama pensively.
“But then aren’t we the doorway to death every time we eat?” the Mystic concluded.
"I don’t think about it in that way,” explained the Lama.
The Mystic pondered a moment and said, “I wonder if anyone will say a prayer when I’m eaten?”
Tibetan Salt Tea
Tibetans make a salt tea and serve it 215 times a day. This is the recipe;
Boil water (at 12,000 feet the temperature of boiled water is about 95 degrees C)
Find the oldest strongest black tea leaves available, something the Hindus wouldn’t sell to anyone accept to the Tibetans; whom they don’t like – put it in the water. Add some kind of milk, (Yaks don’t give milk; they’re boys). Add a hand full of salt. Pound with a plunger in a churn style container until you’re exhausted. Put it into any kind of container and serve to a western and watch them puck.
Traveling
Two Pilgrims traveling for the first time through Lhasa notices different eating places and asked a local what the differences were.
‘That one is Ladak food and that one is Lhasa food,” the local explained politely.
“What is the difference?” the pilgrims questioned.
“Hum, let me see,” the local pondered, “can’t think of a single difference except the size of the flies and the rancidness of the grease.”
There is only One Cooking Rule
Complain and you’re the new cook.
First food
The novice had just finished his first meal in the monastery. “Master, is that what I have to eat from now on?” he whined stoically.
“Think of it as a test,” answered the Master.
“A test,” wondered the novice.
“If you can eat it without complaining you are a Buddhist. If you can eat it without thinking of complaining you are a Buddha.”
Full
I have been eating for 67 years you would think I would be full by now.
Food Precepts
I have been eating for 67 years you would think I would be full by now.
Food Precepts
The precepts say that you must eat you food before noon. To make sure you don’t wonder from this vow there are 9 reasons you eat just one meal a day;
1. It will be colder by evening.
2. Thinking you are full - is full.
3. Less criticism.
4. You’re generating merit.
5. You are not what you eat.
6. Boiling vegetables for 4 hours is enough.
7. It is not what you eat but how you eat it.
8. Your stomach knows what this is.
9. The Buddha thought it was a good idea.
Chapter 10
Death
Death is a big problem for many people especially if you think existence has some appeal. Unfortunately, for those who eventually want to leave, Death is the only reliable exit - so far. It is somewhat consoling to notice that all traditional religious beliefs about Death are as confused and conflicted as non-traditionalists.
Friend
“Rimpoche, what do you know about Death?” asked a very concerned Nun.
“Ah,” replied the Rimpoche, “Death likes everybody and possibly everything. When it is time for a visit you are welcome at any time, day or night, and you don’t even have to dress up.”
Returning
“Ven. Abbot,” asked a student, “is there something after death?”
"I don’t know,” mused the Ven. Abbot, “But it must be interesting because it seemed that no one wants to come back.”
Reincarnation
“Ven. Abbess, do you believe in reincarnation?” asked a new Nun.
“Absolutely,” replied the Ven. Abbess.
“Can you remember your past life?”
“Easily, but only up to yesterday.”
Here
“Master Yogi, do you know what happens after death?”
“Only the last one,” replied the contemplative Yogi.
“Really, what happened?”
“I died and came here.”
Which Death
“Dear Lama,” pleaded the distressed novice, “How many different kinds of death are there?”
“About six and a little bit more, I think,” replied the Lama.
“Six and a little bit more, what do you mean?”
Let’s see” contemplated the Lama, “Death is when you go to an unknown place and are unable to get back, right?”
“If you say so, something like that, maybe,” stammered the student.
“You were someplace before you got here that is some kind of death?”
“That might be a way of describing it.”
“You changed from an infant to a child, and from a child to an adolescent, to a young adult, to a responsible adult, all these changes were somewhat difficult and however much we might want to return to any of these earlier conditions we are unable to?”
“I never thought of it in that way.”
“Some people become parents and can no longer be foolish?”
“Children make irrevocable changes in your life.”
“Sometimes people change from being stupid to being clear?”
“One might hope so.”
“Sometimes people go away and never return?”
“I have known that to be true.”
“Sometimes you go away and never return, which is a different kind of event?”
“It seems different.”
“Sometimes people figure all this out?”
“I suppose so,” muttered the student.
“That’s where the little bit more comes from,” smiled the Lama.
Not Dying
"Ven. Phra can you avoid Death?” a very excited young novice asked.
“Unequivocally.”
"How do you do that?” he asked hopefully.
“Don’t get born.”
Prayers and Merit
“Ven. Abbess, do prayers and merit help you to a better heaven realm?”
“Unquestionably,” said the Abbess confidently.
“How can you be so sure?”
“For over twenty five hundred years we have not received a single complaint.”
The other Death
“Master Yogi” asked a nervous student, “most people are cremated or buried after death. From your meditations, do you know what that might be like?”
“Cremation is mostly sad for the deceased because they had become quite attached to their bodies and burial is very boring.”
“Is there any other way?”
“Yes, take your body with you.”
“Can you do that?”
“It’s called the Tambolian practices. It is where pins and socks go, actually only one sock goes there and keys, of course; there are a lot of keys to different doorways in Tambolian practices.”
“Is there a special initiation to get there?”
“No, not that I know of,” answered the Yogi thoughtfully.
“Okay then, how do you go there?”
“I can think of at least one way.”
“Well?”
“Follow the socks.”
Short
The Ven. Phra often went to the hospital to advise the sick. On one of these visits a man was dying and asked, “I am a young man, has this life been enough?”
The Ven. Phra replied, “Compared to death all life is short.”
Avoidance
“Master Mystic you are enlightened beyond all enlightenment will you decide to avoid death?”
The Mystic did not hesitate and said, “Death is egalitarian we all get to vote yes.”
The Dead - 1
“Lama, I understand you speak to the dead?” asked a new Nun.
“Not actually they are busy trying to figure out what has happened to them.”
“What is happening to them?”
“Nothing as far as I can tell and they can’t figure it out.”
“That is very sad,” responded the Nun.
“True, but the dead aren’t the only ones having the problem.”
The Dead - 2
“Sensei, I understand you talk to the dead,” asked a student.
“Yes,” answered the Sensei. “The dead are easy to talk too; it’s the living who are tough.”
Coming Back
“Master Lama,” asked the layman, “I understand that you have died and came back.”
“True.”
“Was it difficult?”
“’Dying is easy, coming back is easy,” replied the Lama, “it’s being here that is the difficult part.”
In Memory of My Life
While visiting Katmandu, Nepal in 1980, I was wandering about the narrow winding streets around Bodhnath Temple and came across an old Tibetan Siddha Yogi sitting on a step. They are easy to see, if you look with easy eyes. We had a very long talk, in passible English, which he spoke with a British Hindi accent. I asked him about death and this is what he said in memory of his life;
As I approach death, my next adventure, I wonder how will I die and what has my life been like? I know that most of my life has been lived in a dark room where I bump into things I lean very little about. What is love and what are children but dreams and odd memories from a single point of view, my own, but too busy to really know and value them for the precious moments they were.
How will I be remembered in the minds of those who spent time with me - as a young person, or a special person, a different person? Are any of these memories actually the me that was or even close to the me that is? I would rather people, who knew or know me, think of me in a new way, a gone beyond way, and remember that next to death all life is short.
When I go over, do I want to recreate my former life, friends and the things I have done – I can’t imagine why, I have already done that, and why would my memories be any better or clearer over there. Are dead people any smarter than people who are not? If I haven’t figured them out by now what difference could they make? And are my memories all I really am? I think not. I have what I have always had - a willingness to be in the adventure and do the best I can.
As I approach the doorway to the other side all but the truth seems to float away and I am able to see the fantasies people have created for themselves and watch my own evaporate into the busy silliness and am able to settle easily into the moment as I have never been able to do before…
If I have any suggestions to others when you are in the presence of a going one, be quiet, because doing nothing and saying nothing is better than mindless platitudes and remember that I am settling into the greatest of mysteries and am ahead of you on this pilgrimage. You might want to pay attention and be grateful because we might meet again – somehow?
This is the End - for now
